Sunshine, Thoughts on Cancer, &C.

It's another sunny day in Vancouver. I find myself with a lot of positive feelings, today.

Class has started and I am seeing that this master's program is going to be yet another "journey" (I use that word a lot - kind of cheesy counsellor-lingo, I know, but it is such a perfect word!!). Anyways, what I was saying is that my program is going to be yet another journey of self-discovery, but I think in a deeper way.

I can't totally explain it, but somehow, being a survivor of cancer has just changed the way I am. I think it forced me to grow up and be more fully myself, and kind of "take life by the horns". Sometimes I hesitate to call myself a survivor of cancer, because I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation, I only had minor surgery. But in reality, it has affected my life in so many ways:

1) I don't live with an invincible feeling anymore. I realize bad things can happen to me. In fact, it was really bizarre for me to get the type of cancer I did - bladder cancer is typically diagnosed at age 65, and in men. My specialist could hardly believe it. It was even a fluke that it was found, because of another health issue I was having.

2) Gratefulness. If the cancer had not been found when it was, it would have been more serious. I feel lucky, and just so grateful for life. I am grateful for every little moment, now. I hope that gratefulness never goes away. I am working to keep it in my life.

3) Worry. Not one single day of my life goes by now where I don't have a little anxious thought about it coming back, or about getting cancer elsewhere. I have read so much about how bladder cancer is one that has a high likelihood of returning. I go for routine cystoscopies, and I go for another cysto in a couple of months, and each time they get closer, I just worry more. But I am learning that, despite the creeping worry, I can still live my life. Life does not have to be completely pain and worry-free in order to be happy and to be fulfilled. More than one emotion can exist at the same time! The important part is what is done with the emotions.

4) Boldness. Somehow I have a new boldness. I feel like, "this is who I am world, like it or not". Life is too short to worry about what people think, I really feel that now. I can't say I'm never self-conscious, but I can say that I feel much more free to be me, and free to be bold in being me. I'm realizing I have a wealth of things to offer the world (just like everyone does), and I want to give more of that away now. Even on my new job, I am loving it already, and feel more free to give of myself with less worry about trying to be a certain way.

5) Less serious. I feel like I take certain things less seriously now, and approach things with more fun, like music and art.

It's been almost a year since my health issues began, and what a year it has been. I became an auntie!!, we sold our house, we moved to Vancouver and our lifestyle has changed completely, I chopped my hair off, I madly completed some courses to qualify for my master's, I am now a graduate student, I am working again in addictions (but in a lighter type of job than my last), and lots more. Life is good.